Do what I do ...

I’ve never had a hard time during this time of year. I’ve always been the guy who slices this turkey with his whole family looking on. My dad, proud that his only son in a nest of daughters has become the kind of man he wanted him to be. My sisters and their entire large families running around my parents house like it’s a play ground. Addison making nice with my mom and the rest of the family. That’s pretty much been what thanksgiving has been about for the past decade. Save last year of course.

This year I don’t really know what to be thankful for. There’s the obvious things. I’m thankful for a second chance with Meredith. That she found it in her heart to forgive my idiocy in the past year, to let me back in even though I have given her very little reason so do so.

I’m thankful for the truth, as much as it can hurt most days. I’d rather be hurting with the truth than ignorant to who those I choose to surround myself with are.

I’m thankful for my job and the patients to look back at me with their own thankfulness in their eyes.

There are things I regret this year, as there are in every year. There are moments I wish I could have taken back and things I want to do over. But I suppose I can save those for New Years Resolutions huh? Sounds like a good idea for me.

Really, even with everything changing, life getting harder and shoulders getting heavier, I’m thankful to be alive and I’m thankful for love. What else really matters?

Muse: Derek Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 278

What is there to say about Mark Sloane?

He was someone I would have trusted with my life. I put faith in him and our friendship. I told him things that I’d never been able to tell anyone else. You do that when you trust someone like that. We’ve known each other for god, longer than I’ve known Addison. We were two peas in a pod in Med school, we almost did our internship together but he took his job in LA and then moved back to New York.

There was always this competition with Mark. In med school it was both in grades and in women. He’s that guy you want to hang out with on the hopes that one of the girls he doesn’t pick notices you. He wasn’t the geek in high school, he was the jock, he was the guy who got every girl he wanted and some he didn’t.

For years he was the closest person to me besides Addison.

One day I walked into my bed room, his coat on the banister leading upstairs, and I saw him making love to my wife on my favorite flannel sheets.

Just like that our friendship was over. There was no way I could trust him after that, no way I could ever look at him again and not see that shit eating grin when I caught them. He was barely even remorseful. It was as if I’d won the prize and he’d finally gotten to take it out from under me. I’m not sure if that was really how he thought I just know it’s how I felt he felt. So it really didn’t matter.

And when he showed back up at Seattle Grace to what? I still don’t know and I saw him talking with Meredith all I could see was that guy I used to go to bars with – the guy who always got whatever girl he wanted – was talking to Meredith. And then he was talking to Addison and that does not even begin to describe how I felt.

The thing is being betrayed by Addison was one thing. I don’t find it forgivable in the slightest but there were reasons. Most of them I still think are crap but there are reasons, our marriage was close to over and things weren’t good.

But Mark. Mark was different. Mark was my best friend in the world, we had history that didn’t revolve around romance. There wasn’t obligation in the way you have obligation to a lover or a spouse. He was just my best friend. The guy who sat beside me on the plane when I went home to see my mother when she was sick. He was the guy who perfected the hangover cure in Med School so we could make it to labs the next day. Mark was the guy that I would have put my life in his hands without ever questioning that decision. I trusted him more than just about anyone else in my life. I let Mark date one of my sisters. He was that person for me. If you discount how close a spouse is and take Addison out of the equation Mark was the first person I called when bad shit happened.

And that kind of betrayal just doesn’t compare.

It’s also something I can never really forgive. Mark was my best friend.

Sadly the closest thing I’ve got to a best friend now (once against discounting spousal relationships and lovers) is probably Dr. Burke and it’s been maybe four months since we started calling each other by our first names. Or maybe it’s Dr. Bailey since she’s seen me cry. Or maybe it’s Richard because his guidance is invaluable.

Or maybe it’s no one. Maybe I’m alone but maybe that’s okay. I don’t know if I can handle another Mark Sloane.

Muse: Derek Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 646

I grieve a little bit every single day, because every single day I loose a patient or see the end of something. I say goodbye in one form or another. Some surgeons can completely cut themselves off from the emotional side of the job. I used to be able to; back in New York I could probably count the number of patients I remember on one hand, usually because of a ground breaking procedure or something equally as inflating to my ego.

Now, every time I say goodbye I grieve. Be that sending a patient home or loosing them on that table when I’ve been fighting like hell to save them. I still grieve.

I didn’t properly grieve for my marriage as it fell apart; I think perhaps if I had things would have turned out quite differently. I let Addison go in a sense and held on tight in another. I only started to grieve it as I attempted to give it another go. And trust me grieving like that is counter productive. Denial that things were wrong, anger at the reasons why, bargaining for its future, depression because it just wasn’t getting better and finally that bitter sense of acceptance.

In my case these stages were accompanied by whole other grieving process. My relationship with Meredith. Though I’m pretty sure I got stuck on a pattern of anger, bargaining and depression – it got to be this cycle. How I felt on any given day just depended on where I’d smacked into the grieving process. I never quite made it to acceptance with Meredith.

Grief is a funny thing. I do it everyday and am no better or worse for it. It just simply is.

Muse: Derek Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 286

Taking a note from teh Fawness to talk about my spoiler policy. Since I write in a good number of active fandoms (as in the show has not ended) you might see this repeated and I apologize.

Anyways. With the new seasons starting and such I'm going to do what I think is fair. I'll post things that are spoilery behind a cut if it's a week from the episode. After that everything is fair game. It's safe to say there will be spoilers in just about every post made because the new seasons are fun fodder for challanges. And ya know. That rocks. Much fun to be had.

So that's the warning. If you read this journal at all I hope you're watching the episodes anyway so it shouldn't come as much of a shock.

Happy Reading,
Derek(FM)/Jack/Alex/Duncan Mun

Fist hitting jaw had never felt so good, even as the sharp pain traveled through his two million dollar hand. Derek hadn’t even thought about it, he’d seen Mark there and the next thing he knew Meredith was staring at him with wide shocked eyes. His hand had ached all day even after the ice pack in Richard’s office.

It had felt like retribution, revenge, a tick on his score card but it hadn’t been closure, he wasn’t sure he’d ever really have closure.

He knows that Mark assumed it was because of Meredith and the idle flirting that Mark was always good at. And it was, everything seemed to be about Meredith in some form or fashion, but it wasn’t just about Meredith. It was true that when he’d walked in on Mark and Addison he’d just turned around and walked away. At the time he hadn’t felt anything but shock. Double shards of betrayal sliced through his very being and he’d just shut down all emotions and walked away. He’d continued that walk all the way to Seattle.

Seeing Mark again, Mark talking to Meredith hit on something inside him he’d been repressing since that day – bodies sliding together on his favorite flannel sheets. So it was about Meredith but it was also about Addison. It was about his best friend since forever attempting to make a claim on the woman he loved, the woman he’d devoted his life to. And sure the marriage was in dire need of assistance and he’d been ignoring that but Addison was still his. He still isn’t sure if she’s the love of his life, he’s as unsure of that as he’s sure that he does love Meredith. As sure as he knows he also loves his wife, as sure as he knows he’s unworthy of them both.

Hating Mark was about a lot of things. Finding himself hating George a little bit was about Meredith and hating his vet with a fiery vengeance was definitely about her as well.

Derek wishes he wasn’t a jealous person, just like he wishes he knew what he really wanted out of life. He wants to be able to go home to his wife and love her completely and that be that. He wants a semblance of peace in the bed he’s lying in and he has no idea if things will ever stop spinning out of control.]

There was some irony in the times and places his insecurity made itself known. Standing there talking to Meredith and watching Addison light up with that smile he hadn’t seen in god knows how long. There had been a clenching in his gut in response and he hadn’t been sure if it was jealousy or something else. He knows he wished he could be the one to make her smile like that again but he’s not sure where the feeling sprung from, jealousy or desperation?

Derek wishes he was above petty jealousies. If he were he would never have implied that Meredith was a whore. If he were he wouldn’t have to rationalize his hatred for his vet of all people. He would never analyze Addison’s relationships with other men and just wonder if maybe she’s telling him something again. And he would have never slept with Meredith at prom – he hopes.

Unfortunately for Derek, he isn’t above petty jealousy. It’s safe to say he nearly embraces them.

Muse: Derek “McDreamy” Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 571

Every man is his own worst enemy.

Oh what a cliché but a definite true one in my case. I could blame everything that’s gone wrong in my life on other people – I got really good at that for a while actually. Blame my leaving on Addison’s cheating; and that was a huge part of it no doubt. I can blame the fact that I never told Meredith I was married on her or Richard or Addison or any number of people. Rationalizing that decision got damn easy after a while but that’s really not what it was about.

The thing is everything going to shit was my own fault. That’s not to excuse anyone else’s part in certain things. I’m not giving Addison a get out of jail free card for sleeping with Mark just because I was being a crappy husband – no way no how. I’m not going to blame anyone but myself that I didn’t just come out and tell Meredith the truth – I was scared and I wasn’t dealing with the betrayal I felt so I chose to push the whole thing away and pretend that I wasn’t married in the first place. Which meant I didn’t have to tell Meredith anything at all because if I wasn’t married then she had no reason to know. It’s shitty logic but it’s how it was. Of course that’s my fault so I can’t do or say anything that’ll take that away.

So I tried to make it work. It might have worked better if I’d been able to get Meredith out of my head for two seconds but I did try doing that believe it or not.

So prom. Fuck. Prom sucked and it was my fault. My decision and definitely my issues. Not that Meredith’s didn’t take a part in that because obviously it takes two to tango and what’s with the clichés anyway? Still I am definitely my own worst enemy. It never fails to leave a mark.

Muse: Derek Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 326

//LOCKED FROM ALL MUSES//
Addie,

When I met you I was sure my life was starting, all the years and events preceding that moment when our eyes locked just seemed trivial. I introduced you to my parents and they knew long before I did that you were the woman I intended to spend the rest of my life with. The first few years of our marriage were amazing. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to you looking at me with a kind of fire in your eyes I could never imagine seeing anywhere else. I loved you so much that I never in a million years thought anyone else could hold a candle. We both know I was wrong.

I’m not sure if either of us would be able to pinpoint when things started to go wrong between us. Was it in our fifth year? Our eighth? Was it that last year, the final straw that forced your hand – not that I find that excuse at all acceptable – to find solace in a place besides our bed?

Sometimes I look at you and I feel nothing. That was how it was at first, when I left it was because I couldn’t even hate you. There was just nothing, I hated Mark more than I can even say but I couldn’t seem to spare any emotion on you – not love or hate. I was indifferent; I just hadn’t realized how long I had been that way.

When I left I had no intention of ever seeing you again if I could help it.

What happened with Meredith wasn’t planned. It started out as random sex in a bar, solace against the pain. You may think it was easy to leave but it wasn’t. Sometimes I couldn’t even breathe and so I drowned, in work mostly but one night I drowned with a woman. She turned out to be a new intern.

I probably would have stayed alone, no more one night stands, no relationships at all if Meredith hadn’t been that woman at the bar. I might have even come crawling back to you but Meredith saved me, she was my buoy in the water, the one thing I hadn’t expected.

I don’t want you to think I tried to replace you with her. Even if I’d wanted to it wouldn’t have been possible. It was different and amazing – I know you don’t want to hear that but there it is – and I was changed. I don’t know if it was Seattle that did it or being betrayed, maybe it was the lack of Mark’s guidance, the presence of Richard’s or maybe it was simply Meredith but I am not the same man you married. Nor am I the same man I was back in New York when you felt the way to get my attention was to sleep with my dearest friend. I’m not entirely sure who I am anymore. I’m far more selfish than I’ve ever thought I could be. I’m completely masochistic and when I look in the mirror I see a liar.

Sometimes I look at you and I’m so sure that I made the right decision; that choice I was given when I was so unworthy. Other times I can’t even look at you and I know it’s wrong. Loving you shouldn’t be hard Addison, it shouldn’t.

I slept with Meredith at prom. I wish I could rationalize it like you did with Mark, come up with some excuse as to why I betrayed everything we’d been working towards in a moment of blind passion. But I can’t be like you Addie, I can’t make any excuses all I can do is tell you that I was angry with her because I was jealous and I love her and sometimes it seems like that’s all that matters. That’s all I can say, it’s all I have.

I didn’t tell you. I don’t know why, honestly I wish I had. I guess I don’t want the blame even though I know a good portion will always rest on my shoulders. You deserve better Addie, you always have. So does Meredith for that matter but I can’t seem to let either of you go. I thought I was going to be easy at first, to sign those papers but then I couldn’t. And then everyone, you included, seemed to think if I just stopped talking to Meredith things would go back to normal. That slowly we’d rebuild what we had and I often wonder which one of us was the bigger hindrance. I’m not saying that I don’t take responsibility for the way I’ve been – the way I am – because I do.

When did we both become liar’s Addie? Was it the same time everything changed?

I wanted us to work; I don’t know if you believe it. Sometimes I don’t. I’d give anything to look at you and always feel exactly the way I felt when I first laid eyes on you. I wish I wanted to move back to New York so we could play the couple we’d always been.

I’m never going to forgive you. I thought I could, I thought I could just look past it, to see you and not see Mark above you. I thought I could one day think about him and not want to commit a violent crime. I thought I could do it all, get back what we had and that one day I’d be able to honestly say it was ok. But I’m never going to be able to forgive you. I don’t know what the means for us. I don’t know if it means we should just give up this pretense or if we should fight like hell to hold on.

I shouldn’t have to wonder if I made the right choice. I shouldn’t have to do any of it and yet I do.

I still don’t know what I want Addie. I wish I did. God, I wish things could be simple again. I wish I didn’t still love Meredith and I wish I never looked at her and wondered. But I do.

I think I probably hate myself for that more than either of you could even dream of hating me yourselves.

I’m sorry Addie. I wish I was a better man.

-Derek

//Unlocked//

Muse: Derek Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 1,058

Sex. Ah, now if that isn’t one of the most loaded questions in the world I don’t know what is; next thing I know you’ll be asking me about love. Now I could be one of those people who bullshits and talks about sex in the terms everyone else does. Ah, Maybe I’ll still be one of those people, let’s just see how it goes shall we?

Once I learned what sex was, like every other teenage boy on the planet, it became this thing I had to do. I had four sisters, some older, some younger and so I was around women a lot growing up. Puberty sent my hormones raging; though I was kind of a geek in high school – I know, huge shock. It wasn’t until college that I had my real sexual exploration. You know its college even the geeks can get some if they try hard enough. Med school, now that I should think, is pretty obvious. My internship, well that’s where I met Addie – I’m sure you can imagine.

[Locked from Meredith & Addison]

Sex with Addison used to be amazing. It was the kind of sex that I dreamed about; the kind of sex you imagine porn stars have. Unbelievable. Making love to my wife, when we were happy was one of my favorite past times. Waking up in the middle of the night just to be together, not caring that we had early shifts the next day and patients to see who might want us to be top notch. Weekends in the Hampton’s where we’d just stay in bed the entire time, working ourselves into utter exhaustion. Somewhere along the line sex became a chore, something we did because we were married and that’s what married people did. Even now, sometimes it feels like a chore – not always, don’t get me wrong sex with Addison can still be amazing but there’s something missing.

Sex with Meredith started out as a way to forget. That first night was supposed to be a drunken one night stand and that was it. I didn’t really do that kind of thing, despite what anyone might think, but here was this woman and she was beautiful and charming and she wanted to take advantage of me. Sex with Meredith became the kind of thing worth waking up for, going through the day and coming home for. It wasn’t just the sex either, though there is absolutely no complaints about it, it was the time after and the time before. Waking up with her in the mornings feeling that pleasant sense of exhaustion. I was able to breathe again – it wasn’t just the sex.

[Unlocked]

There is a difference between sex and making love. Just like there’s a difference between sex, making love and fucking. You can’t make love to someone you have no feelings for, but it’s completely possible to just have sex with someone you love. It’s a very fine line.

I personally, prefer being able to make love. Meaningless sex is rarely fulfilling, sometimes it just makes you feel more empty.

Muse: Derek Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 511

I needed a Private Investigator. Frank Taylor, I'd seen an add up somewhere, though I couldn't quite remember where. Unfortunately, I got his voice mail. Fucking Voicemail; I left a message just in case and then had asked someone to give me a LA phone book. I found another PI willing to stop everything he was doing right then and search for two women who just arrived in L.A. - of course I had to pay top dollar.

I made it to the plane just as it was about to leave. I had no luggage, but that didn't really matter that much, if I needed anything I could get it in L.A. I had no choice but to take the only seat avaliable on the plane; which happened to be first class and I did recieve quite a few dirty looks as I stumbled in with only my briefcase and a cell phone attached to my ear to contact a private investigator in LA so that we I got there I wouldn't have my thumb stuck up my ass and have no idea where to start looking for Meredith and by extension, Izzie.

I paid no mind to the stewardess or the captian's instructions as I gave the detective the discriptions of Izzie and Meredith, until finally the flight attendant put her hand on my arm and told me that I had to turn off my cell phone for the duration of the flight and if I needed to use the on-board phones once the captain cleared it that I had full acess. Reluctantly I ended my conversation and tell him I'll be calling him shortly.

I ordered a stiff drink and closed my eyes. Now that I had a minute to sit down instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off the gravity of what I was doing hit me.

Addison didn't know about prom because I couldn't figure out how to tell her. I couldn't actually deal with it all myself so I just did the wrong thing again and pretended it never happened. Which was probably why Meredith was choosing to hate me at the moment, not that I could particularly blame her. I'd hate me too, in fact I'm pretty sure I'm getting to that point.

Doing what I was doing was unfair, it would hurt and piss of Addison, definatelly piss off Meredith and by extension Izzie. But when have I ever claimed to be a better guy? I had to do it. Meredith is more to me than what anyone might want to believe and despite what my actions have shown.

So once the captain gave the ok, I picked up the on-board phone and called my PI back. He'd been working since I called him and had gotten a lead on the rental car that Meredith and Izzie had gotten when they arrived in L.A. that was at least a start. He couldn't do much more while I was on the plane and he told me he'd see if he could track down any hotel they checked into.

So I sat back, enjoyed my drink and tried not to think too much as the flight progressed.

I managed to get a little nap in before the 'fasten your seatbelt' sign came on and the pilot told us all in a far too perky voice for my taste that we'd be landing shortly. I was glad of it, the sooner I tracked down Meredith the better. Not that I had any clue at all what I was going to say to her.

I gathered up my things and got off the plane already on the phone with my PI. Standing just outside the gate I waited for him to pick up until I saw something very curious.

Alex Karev and Denny Duqutte, together, leaving the plane with mirroring scowls on their faces.

"I'll have to call you back," I said into my phone as the PI answered his.

I shifted my briefcase on my shoulder and took a few steps towards the two of them.

"Dr. Karev, Mr. Duqutte, I'm surprised to see you two here, or well to see you together."

[OPEN TO imacatch & itellthetruth]

Am I the only one who can’t stand salmon colored scrubs? If Addison hadn’t stopped wearing them I might have just gone insane. They look wrong, scrubs are suppose to be various shades of blue. Who thought to make salmon the color of scrubs? I know that some people like to be fancy and change it up and I know I’ve seen my fair share of strange scrubs in my years as a surgeon but salmon? What kind of name for a color is salmon anyway? Why not trout? Or just call them pink. I don’t like pink.

I prefer my dark blue scrubs. Royal blue might be the technical color but I prefer them.

Addison, I’m not making fun of you, I promise. I just don’t like salmon colored scrubs, nor do I like purple ones or yellow or green or any of the other colors I’ve seen parading around the hospital lately but Salmon? Salmon colored scrubs are my least favorite.

[Locked]

Cheaters. I hate them. Which borders on ironic since I’m now one of them. A lot of people would say that Meredith was my mistress. I wouldn’t. Addison and I were separated and I felt no obligations to her what so ever. The only thing I feel that I did wrong in that situation was not tell Meredith from the start.

Addison’s excuse, while I can’t deem it unacceptable, is a load of crap. I was indifferent and I didn’t look at her the way I used to. I was not being the best husband I could be and there are so many reasons why the deterioration of our marriage is my fault – but she slept with my best friend to get my attention? That’s crap. It’s what she says now, it’s the way she’s been able to justify her actions to herself and me and we’ve both accepted it. It’s still a load of crap. She was lonely, yes, she was neglected, yes, she thought it would solve our problems and get my attention?

It got my attention alright.

Right now it’s hard for me to judge. After Prom, after what I’ve done to two people I care deeply for, judging Addison makes me just a little bit more scum than I was before I judged. But I’m not going to rationalize what I did with excuses. I’m not going to justify it with fears or doubt or anything else I could probably pull out of my ass. I love Meredith and I want Meredith and I let myself get caught up in a moment and anger and want. I was selfish and heartless and I knew the consequences when I stepped away from my wife and jogged after the woman I wanted but I did it anyway. I have no justification or excuses. All I have now is a dilemma; How to handle the consequences.

[Unlocked]

Muse: Derek “McDreamy” Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 480

In life there are moments when you are faced with a choice, a big choice. I'm not talking about the choice of trout or cereal in the morning, I'm talking about the big choices. Sometimes you follow your heart and other times you follow your heart or what's suppose to be right. You just have to hope to whatever powers you happen to believe in that you've made the right choice. And sometimes the second you make that choice you know it's the wrong one but you're on a world wind spinning carousel and you can't seem to get off. That has been my life since Addison showed up in Seattle.

I chose what I knew. I chose to try and make my marriage work because I couldn't just give up 11 years without pausing, without clear and painful doubt. The doubt morphed into this creature who took me back to the day I met Addison and reminded me off all the goodtimes we'd had and I had to try.

We all lie, about little things and big things and I lied to myself and everyone around me. I had to try, that was true but deep down inside I didn't want to. Deep down I wanted to punish Addison for what she'd done, how our marriage had been ruined. Somewhere along the line I realized that it had been ruined long before she slept with Mark. So I stayed and I tried, at least I told myself that I was trying. Fighting like hell for a marriage I didn't even believe in anymore.

Meredith wasn't revenge and she wasn't a fling and I'm as in love with her today as I ever was.

Addison is a beautiful, smart, amazing woman. She's caring and compassionate and I always thought she was perfect for me. Was. I'm a different man than I was in New York, a completely different man and that man will never be able to look at her the same way again.

When Mark showed up here and I saw him talking to Meredith I felt more rage bubble up inside me than I had when I'd literally seen him inside my wife. Back in New York I'd been indifferent enough to just walk away, no punches, no explination just walking out the door and out of the life Addison and I had built together. It's not that it didn't bother me to leave, or that it didn't hurt more than I can even begin to explain - it was just emptiness. I stopped feeling anything for Mark and then there was nothing there to spare on Addison - not even hate - and then there was just nothing.

It sounds over dramatic and more of a cliche' than I'd be willing to admit aloud but Meredith saved me. She was like coming up for air, like looking at her - just looking at her - would save me from drowning. I could feel again and it wasn't the same old pit of churning in my gut that I'd become acustom to over the previous months. She was everything and then I made her feel like nothing.

But I had to try. If only I'd had the strength to actually try. Instead I became a bastard.

I'm a little bit of a masochist, I've decided all surgeons probably are. The hours we keep and the things we put ourselves through. It spills over into our personal lives. I could have told Meredith I was married from the get go and I didn't. I could have told Addison that Meredith wasn't revenge long before Christmas rolled around and I was aching to hold her and tell her anything and everything to put a smile on her face.

Instead I just kept punishing Addison and myself and Meredith. I know it seems like an easy choice. One way or another depending on your perspective it seems easy. Just get over Meredith or just leave Addison but it's not that fucking easy.

Addison is family. Addison used to be comfort and solace and everything I'd ever wanted and I thought I owed it to myself and to her to see if we could get that back and maybe we could have, if I'd let us, if I'd let Meredith go. If I'd been a better guy but I wasn't a better guy, I was Derek and I couldn't let her go. I tried, I really tried, at least I told myself I was trying.

And there I go, lying to myself. I've spent all this time and effort lying to myself and I don't think I fooled anyone but me.

When I saw her across the floor, in his arms I just wanted to tear her away from him and tell her everything but I lied to myself and said it was just jealousy of knowing what I thought I knew. Jealousy was normal, that's what I told myself, it was normal. When I noticed she was moving away from him I made an excuse to Addison, told myself that lying was better than hurting her and telling her I just needed to see if Meredith was ok, and followed her.

I lied to myself and said I just wanted to know if she was ok. I knew she wasn't ok before she told me. I said I wasn't looking at her and we both knew I was.

Even as she said it I was looking at her in all the ways I'd been looking at her since we met. Like I had seen her naked, like I wanted to kiss her, like I regretted everything before now. I couldn't not look at her.

When I kissed her I tried to tell myself it was ok, that it didn't matter but it did. It mattered more than anything in the last year had. I fell into the moment, into feeling her close to me, the taste of her lips, the heat of her skin, the way her legs wrapped around my waist and how I felt like she was made for me to fall into. The sighs and moans and being inside her pushed everything else aside and all that mattered at that moment was Meredith, only Meredith.

What did it mean? I lied to myself thinking she was the one who was suppose to answer that question.

Then Dr. Torres and Denny Duquette and everything else seemed to happen in a blur around me. I couldn't even look at Addison, for all the bitching and everything I'd done to her she didn't deserve what I'd just done to her. In my deep masochistic places maybe I thought she did deserve it, but in reality I knew she didn't. Addison had picked up her life, everything she held dear, to try to make this work - she deserved so much better than me; then again she always had.

I didn't know what was going to happen or what I wanted to happen beyond Meredith not leaving with the man who killed our dog. I'm allowed to be childish and think of him that way because any other way makes me want to do violent things to a man I barely know.

So I just said her name and watched as the emotions flickered across her face. She wasn't sure, she didn't know what to do and I didn't have an answer for her. She had a choice and if I were a better man I'd walk away.

"Meredith."

It wasn't a question or even a plea. It was just her name because I wasn't walking away and I didn't know what I was going to do after these moments passed but I knew now that I couldn't keep lying. I was tired of lying, I was exhausted with lying. So the truth, the only truth I knew for sure in that moment was that I had to say her name.

This is where I'm supposed to reveal my life story isn't it? One of those places people go, like bars, to get everything that's been bothering them their whole lives off their chests. Trust me, you don't want to know the things that have been bothering me my whole life, in fact I'm pretty damn sure I don't want to tell you. It's one of those things where I know I come off as the bad guy so I'm just going to smile and nod and pretend like I'm not that guy - even if I am.

I can give you my name though, Dr. Derek Shepherd. I'm a Neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital in Washington. I was a big name on the East Coast, New York primarily before I decided to move to Seattle and work for my mentor, Richard Webber. Why move from the hustle and bustle big city that I used to love? I stopped being able to breathe in New York, I woke up one day (metaphorically speaking, my epiphany actually came after work and after Addison - came) and realized that I just couldn't do it anymore. The life I was living wasn't the life I imagined for myself (especially the part where Addison and Mark were screwing in my bed).

I hung up my house in the Hamptons and my Armani Suits and then moved into a lovely little trailer in Seattle. Why? Didn't I say this wasn't going to be me revealing my life story? Ok fine, you want a candid answer, my wife cheated on me with my best friend. That's what I'd call an Epiphany.

Truthfully, it was the best decision I've ever made. I don't really miss New York or the life I left behind. I don't miss Addie either because she decided it would be a good idea to follow me. I knew this was a trick; you're trying to make me feel vulnerable so I'll open up and tell all my dirty little secrets to you. Guess what? All my dirty little secrets can pretty much be found out if you walk through the halls of Seattle Grace. Seems like everyone knows my business around there; the Hospital is like High School and trust me I didn't like High School that much.

I'll save you the trouble. I'm a bastard, just ask anyone, no I'm serious ask them. They'll tell you I lied and then hurt people and maybe I did but life isn’t so damn cut and dry as people make it seem. You step foot in my shoes for a whole day and then you'll have the right to tell me how to live my life differently. Until then? Just shut up.

I'm Derek Shepherd, or Derek, or Dr. Shepherd – or apparently to some people I'm Dr. McDreamy. I'm a surgeon but look at it this way - at least I'm not an intern.

Muse: Derek "McDreamy" Shepherd
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Word Count: 474

He fell asleep in the on-call room, he was sure of it but there he was laying awkwardly across a table in the OR, fluids pumping in and out of his veins like fire or acid, or maybe his imagination was just a little over-active lately. He blinked his eyes open groggily and heard the shouts; felt the pain sear across his skin as the drugs started to wear off. He shook his head violently and then heard the voice.

“Dr. Shepherd, calm down, we need you to move your hand. Can you do that Derek?”

It was Burke that much he was able to discern through the cloudy fog in his brain and he knew this was familiar. He’d operated on Burke and had been worrying himself sick over the possible damage to his fellow surgeon’s nerves.

Now here he was on that same table with a man he had never been sure he liked that much cutting into his arm to remove a blood clot. It was a strange kind of clarity that came over him as Addison walked into the room and looked him over, she started cooing to him in the way she has that used to relax him without any problems. Now it just made him want to fall back into unconsciousness. He wasn’t ready to face the truth here and now. So he closed his eyes and when he opened them again she was gone, Meredith was standing in her place with a smile that was hidden by the mask on her face but one he knew was there anyway.

Derek fell into her eyes and listened to her voice, she asked him if he could move his fingers, could he just move them a little. It took him a full minute to process her request through the haze of drugs and pain before he silently commanded his hand to move. He couldn’t tell if it had but he heard a collective sigh of relief from Burke and the others and then she was gone again. The room was suddenly dark and he was alone, or at least he’d thought so until he heard the sound of footsteps coming closer.

“You know, I never trusted you to do it. You opened up my arm and ruined my career, you know that deep down inside don’t you … Derek.”

Burke’s face was close to his ear now, he would have felt the warmth of the other man’s breath on his cheek if it weren’t for the mask. Derek turned his head slightly and saw the rage in the other man’s eyes.

“You ruined me and now I’m ruining you.”

In one instant the haze of the drugs was gone and he could feel the scalpel press into his shoulder, feel the searing pain across his nerves until he couldn’t feel anything anymore. His entire arm felt like it was gone, no feeling, nothing left of his million dollar hand.

So he screamed.

Derek awoke with a start, clutching at his shoulder frantically. It took him a minute or two to shake away the dream, a second later the fear clutched at his chest again. What if he had ruined another man’s career? He wasn’t sure he could live with that.

Muse: Derek “McDreamy” Shepherd
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 545

Always tell the truth. Sounds simple enough I’m sure but it’s a lot harder than you’d like to think. I wouldn’t consider myself a liar by any means, though I’m sure there are plenty who would argue with me on that point. They’d say a lie by omission is still a lie; these are the same people who like to say that the truth hurts.

When I moved to Seattle I was running from something, alright someone (feel free to make that plural if you want to count Mark as an actual person, I don’t anymore). I’ll be the first to admit, at least now, that it was a cowardly move. To just up and run away from my cheating wife instead of facing her and seeing how that life would have played out in New York; cowardly. I just can’t seem to regret it, even as I lay next to Addison at night I can’t seem to regret coming to Seattle and meeting Meredith. Even when I’m being the ‘friend’ and listening to Meredith talk about sleeping with George (not something I find particularly nice to dwell on either) and that sharp pain takes up root in my chest – I just can’t regret it. I don’t even have the decency to regret making Meredith, in essence, the other woman. I’m well aware that it makes me something of a bastard but I wouldn’t give up those few months for anything, not even my old life back in New York or a faithful wife.

Some days I think that I could have saved all of us a lot of trouble if I’d just told the truth and this is over the course of many truths and omissions. If I’d told Meredith that I was married maybe the choice wouldn’t have seemed like such a hard one. If I hadn’t waited to tell Addison that I was in love with Meredith maybe she’d have given up. Maybe if I’d just not worried about duty and vows and signed those divorce papers I wouldn’t have become the kind of person who has to ask the pivotal question. Standing there like an idiot wanting to repeat the words, say anything to have her take my hand instead of his.

It all goes back to the truth. Even though I didn’t do any of those things and let the omissions slip by and I laid in bed and knew I was a coward more than once in the past year. Even if I’d kept lying to everyone else I could have stopped lying to myself, saved the pain that I know will come. As much as I hated Addison for cheating on me I loved her too, I just never realized that sometimes that’s not enough and neither are the vows if they stop meaning anything to you. Living your life for obligations isn’t really living and I happen to like living.

So there you go. Always tell the truth, if not to everyone else then to yourself.

Muse: Derek “McDreamy” Sheppard
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Word Count: 501